my days are 24 hours long

everyone else’s days are only
23 hours and 56 minutes long but

my days are 24 hours long

i spend my 4 extra minutes each day
practicing my small talk in the mirror:

hello
hello
how are you?
good, how are you?
good
that’s good
how is your twin brother?
good, how is your twin brother?
good
that’s good
did you hear?
no, what?
my twin brother is having a baby in march
congratulations!
he’s scared
he shouldn’t be!
oh?
my twin brother had a baby in march
did it hurt?
he didn’t feel a thing!
that’s funny
why?
i had a tumor removed in march
did it hurt?
i didn’t feel a thing!
that’s funny
why?
i’m having a tumor removed in march
are you scared?
no

mirage

(i was daydreaming about a far away
blurry oasis
in the middle of a desert of salt
so i didn’t hear her say)

“to love and be loved”

what?

“that’s the secret to happiness”

what is
'to love and be delirious'
the secret to?

“what?”

what if
no one will love you?

“someone will love you”

who?

“someone out there”

someone out in the parking lot?

“no, someone out in the world”

the parking lot is part of the world
so this someone
might be in the parking lot
right?

“yes, i suppose so”

(i shaded my eyes and squinted
but i couldn’t see much
in the glare of steel and glass)

give me one reason

not to cut off my finger
in this bathroom

i have the knife
it’s for cutting chicken bones
i’m sure it will go right through me
i have the rags
to stop the bleeding
i have the hydrogen peroxide
to stop the infection

give me one reason

not to cut off my finger
and flush it down the toilet

i have the knife
and the rags
and the disinfectant
i locked the door
no one is awake

no one would hear me
even if i screamed
and even if i screamed
no one would come running
and even if someone came running
they wouldn’t be able to open the door
and even if they could open the door
they wouldn’t be able to stop me in time
and even if they could stop me in time

and they asked me
what are you doing
and i told them
i’m going to cut off my finger
and they asked me
why
and i told them
give me one reason not to

they would have nothing to say

this country doesn’t support the arts

the police men
didn’t like my
performance art

i was wearing a costume and makeup
in order to look the part
of a homeless person
and i did my best
passed out drunk
impression
on the park bench

(i had taken an acting class
the previous summer)

i did my best but

the police men
didn’t like my
performance art

instead of putting change
in my plastic cup
they dragged me into an alley
held me against the dumpster
and took turns
giving it to me

and then they cut to commercial

i saw you
on TV
you were on the news
psych
you were in the static
psych
you were on the news

and you were talking
to some guy
with a banana for a penis
psych
he had a penis for a penis

(though since he was little
he had always thought
his penis looked a little
like a banana)

and you told him to
fuck off
and he didn’t
know what to say
psych
he did
he told you that
you have some nerve

A Velvet Mafia Reader #2

the airplane

i board
one foot at a time
Watch your step!
says the male stewardess
(what do you call those?)

i walk down the aisle
past a man with a shaved head
wearing that new digital camouflage
probably in order to fight that new digital war

i find 34C and sit down
the girl next to me
is too young to be flying alone
but too old for her anyone to stop her
she’s listening to the new noise
on her headphones

i’m issued my adult beverage and pillow
i give them both to the girl
she gulps the drink down while pinching her nose
and goes to sleep

i look at my in-flight magazine
Congratulations!
it says
You’ve chosen the safest seat in the plane!
but i’m sure they all say that

i look out the window
down at the patchwork quilt of land
none of the pieces seem to fit together
then i try to read
the reader’s digest version of leviathan
for a while

i walk to the bathroom
but Someone is in there
so i wait in my seat for Someone to finish
i stare at the door
not wanting to miss the clean look of relief
on Someone’s face
but the man with the shaved head comes out
and his face is blank

i sit in the cramped bathroom
my knees pressed against the small door
i don’t have to go
i just wanted to sit in the humming belly of the airplane
and pretend i was back in my mother’s womb
from what i can remember
it was nothing like this