America, the most loaded word in the history of pornography, assembly lines, and the repeating rifle. Welcome to the terrordome, a hyper-politicized, polarized, desensitized warzone. To the victor goes the talk show spots. The defeated commit the most abhorred sin: irrelevance. The Hitlers of history have infamy, the rockstars have celebrity, but the losers rot in the waiting room of most fatal mediocrity.
Their tombs are defiled by bulldozers in accordance with Eminent Domain. Their bodies are Fedexed via overnight mail to the doorsteps of their posterity. In the place of the graveyards, the Powers That Be will construct a theme park, featuring the giant robotic talking head of George Washington (Peace Be Unto Him). The investors will hire the best programmers money can buy from Korea so we can all hear the popular presidential catch phrases in Mandarin Chinese, Hindi, Spanish, and Modern English.
The people of America will line up for the grand opening six months in advance. They’ll stand there, bored, hungry, and soiling themselves. Occasionally, someone will be knifed for their spot and everyone will just pretend to not notice. Parents will gladly hand over their only child’s college fund in order to have their palms read by a minimum wage slave dressed in a polyester Abraham Lincoln costume, complete with fake beard and deep-seated depression.
…and at all of the clearly marked exits, a pimpled and handicapped adolescent will hand out complementary condoms, razor blades, and a fat stack of coupons.
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